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Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Exclusive: A conversation between President Zuma and his Sangoma

At most, if not all the times as Africans we tend to believe that when a man or a leader is impossible, they are using some form of power beyond what they have - a Sangoma or Inyanga and some might even say Ixhwele!

So if South African President Jacob Zuma had that extra power what would be his requests? Let's imagine this based on how he has been ruling the country since he was elected the president of the republic.

Insert 1 - President Zuma talks to Inyanga somewhere in Nkandla:

Inyanga: aaaaah Ngedleyihlekisa! Ngikuzwile ukuthi sewundizela ngasekhaya (I had a feeling that you're on your way here).
Zuma: Hehehehehehehehe! Those fools are trying to vote me out of office, but they don't have the balls out of secret ballot! 
Inyanga: Aaaaaaah Msholozi! Nxamalala! Wena ozakuphatha ze kubuye uThixo uqobo lwakhe (Praising Zuma saying that he'll rule until God comes back). Ufuna ngikusize ngani namhlanje? (How can I help you today).
Zuma: I want to get rid of that Ramaphosa puppet and I need it urgently!
Inyanga: Sacrifice by taking Brian Molefe back to Eskom and stop endorsing your ex-wife, Nkosazana!
Zuma: hawu! Nkosazana is part of the family and I would be chasing the rands away! It's important that she continues with corruption activities for the sake of the Zuma legacy.
(The Inyanga noticed that Mr Zuma will not stop endorsing his ex-wifey and he had to come up with a new plan)
Inyanga: Nxamalala, well, you must abstain from the V house for at least seven months.
Zuma: I can always visit the V house abd shower immediately after that,angithi?
Inyanga: Msholozo you cannot escape this one by making this lame excuse of the shower at all. It's either you follow my instruction or lose South Africa to the Courts.
Zuma: (scratching his head) why did I appoint Mogoeng Mogoeng to the post of Chief Justice? He is such a great justice and I didn't see this coming. I thought I could make a nice puppy puppet out of him.
Inyanga: Well, you thought wrong. He is a man with integrity. Amadlozi are yelling at me that he is using the same Inyanba as Robert Mugabe.
Zuma: Hehehehehehehe! SHUUUUU! Are you telling me that even if I change to Baleka Mbethe's Inyanga I will still be defeated? I know she has a very strong one back in the Eastern Cape. UGonondo Omkhulu!
(The Inyanga thinking internally) "I have never seen such a man with no sense of thinking and I might as well eat the mobey before they take him out of power in December)
Inyanga: Msholozi, I have a very strong muthi that can help you rule until Jesus comes. With this one, we will first turn Julius Malema and Helen Z to pigs that will destroy all the white owned farms so that they can run away - in that all black peopke shall get the land back.
Zuma: Hehehehehehehehehe! For this one I will need to jump into the shower! Those two are causing me a great deal of stress.
Inyanga: (taking out muthi) with this one, you need mix with pubic hair from any of the MPs and it must  be female(s).The more you get the greater your powers. Make sure the ones you will get have no positive thoughts about the success of the DA nor the EFF.
Zuma: aaaaaaah! Those ones are just like me - no back bone at all.
Inyanga: You beed to be serious about this and stop thinking like you are ruling South Africa.
Zuma: Kulungile Gobela ngizozama ndifumane ezika Baleka, Zulu and Bathabile because those ones can pull G-S down for me.... (Msholozi left)
To be continued...

Welcome to GoXtra News Comedy - we have just opened a platform to showcase the work of different comedians! Anything Goes!

For your views please email This is an imagined convo between President Zuma and his Inyanga somewhere in Nkandla. The views expressed are that of Ntathe Comedian and do not represent GoXtra News.

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