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Friday, October 7, 2011

An open letter to minister of Transport Sbu Ndebele

Dear Sbu,

Have you lost your mind?

You cannot reduce the speed limit on freeways and lower the alcohol limit at the same time. It's too much for us to deal with all at once.

I reach 90km/h just reversing up my driveway. If you reduced the speed limit, we might as well let the freeways fall into disrepair and introduce the horse as the government's preferred method of transport. Even that wouldn't make you happy. I know a horse that can do 120km/h without breaking a sweat. Okay, technically it's not a horse. It's a cheetah. But still.

By lowering the legal alcohol limit from 0.05 to zero, South Africa could proudly take its place among some of the world's foremost economic powerhouses and shining examples of democracy such as Cuba, Ukraine and Slovenia. The current legal limit translates into two beers or two glasses of wine. Personally, I think anyone who drinks wine instead of beer should be locked up regardless of their blood alcohol level.

I know it sounds a bit Stalinist, but why don't you just put all the bars under state control? Drinkers will have to apply for permits. Two tokens per person per night. I would have stockpiled my tokens, but you will doubtlessly make sure that they expire after midnight on the date of issue.

I have a better idea: keep the bars open 24 hours a day and ban cars altogether. Nothing unites a nation quicker than having its streets filled with millions of citizens listing heavily to starboard and urinating and vomiting on one another while singing the national anthem.

Being nearly two metres tall and having been weaned on beer, I can quite easily quaff a dozen and still have a perfectly acceptable conversation with the Queen of England, Most people, when they leave a bar, aren't sure whether or not they are over the limit. I always find a good indication is if you try to start your car with your credit card.

If you want to make sure that you're still legal, you could check yourself over the internet. If your phone hasn't been stolen by the end of the evening, go to and it will calculate your blood alcohol content. There's no point in lying about how much you've had to drink. It's not your wife. I indulged in a little home-based carousing (emaganu) the other evening and, when I tested myself on the website, the conclusion was: "You should be dead by now." I thought this a bit rude.

Seriously, Sbu my bro; it's not right that you will ask parliament to change the law. MPs are permanently accompanied by designated drivers. They can get completely trashed and pass out in the back of the Merc, never having to worry about roadblocks. It is we professional dipsomaniacs, whose driving skills actually improve with alcohol, who should decide whether the limit stays or is scrapped.

I don't want to live in a country where I risk being tossed into a rat-infested cell to have my bottom interfered with by a man with a spider web tattooed on his face simply because I ate a liqueur chocolate before getting behind the wheel.

Are you aware, comrade minister, that 40% of people who die on the roads are drunken pedestrians? I expect you will want roadblocks on the country's major pavements now. Drinking and walking must be outlawed immediately.

By Sicelo Sthai Vilakati / Sicelo is a guest writer for GoXtra News. 
/Leave your comment for me below the comment box or click on the “contact us” page tab to see my profile.

©The views expressed above do not in any way represent GoXtra News, but are those of the concerned writer. 2011. Follow us on twitter here  Find us on Facebook here /leave your comments below or email: editor@goxtranews. For publication ERRORS:

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